Holes

Are you ever walking through life, it's a beautiful day, birds are chirping, everything is lining up as it should, and then BAM, it feels like you fell in a hole? Life is weird like that. It can happen to anyone, under any circumstance. Big or little, significant or minor, life can suddenly send you into a hole you weren't really prepared for. Suicide is one of those things. Well, being a loved one, left behind after a suicide, is what I mean. Suicide is its own huge hole. And then it creates other smaller holes, giving you all the more opportunity to fall; to feel like you can't escape; to suffocate in your feelings. These holes are filled with all the grief stages; for me it's mostly sorrow and regret. I'm surprised that I'm still finding myself falling into these holes after almost 5 years. They don't come often anymore, and I'm thankful for that, but they're there, in the middle of the most beautiful surroundings; out of the blue. I fell into one this week. And honestly, I can't even tell you why, or where it came from. It wasn't terrible. But it was certainly there. It took my breathe away, enough to where I had to find a quite, private place, and really cry hard. I regret many, many things about that day, that week, that month. I made decisions out of anger and regret, all while walking through a thick fog. In my hole, Ill think back to that time in life, and I absolutely HATE that there's not a single thing I can do to change any of it. To fix it. To make it right. My regret turns into sorrow and I become apologetic in my hole. I walk in circles, apologizing, and feeling so much sadness. Sometimes I can get myself out reasonably fast, sometimes I stay there a while. I've learned to cry and pray my way out of these damn holes. It can be done. Crying, for me, honestly, just physically gets it OUT. Gets ME out, to higher ground. And that's what I need. Sturdy, higher ground. I won't ever say that a loss to cancer or a car wreck isn't as bad, because it's all so devastating. But suicide will ruin you, man. It will create some ugly beasts inside of you, if you let it. I'm learning my way through this, still. And I feel drawn to share this here because my experiences can't be for nothing. I can not go through these things and selfishly keep them to myself, because it doesn't benefit anyone, me included. You, you, AND you, have to hear what this is like, so you can be prepared. Or you can help someone else. Or help yourself. Or to know you aren't alone in your feelings. I'm learning my way out of these holes because life continues........to be...LIFE! It'll never start to sugar coat itself for us. So we must learn to accept that, and be the stronger one. I'm learning my way out of these holes because I have a little boy counting on me to do so.