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Sometimes I just write without a title...

May 4, 2016

I want you to know, I lost my shit with Kaleb 3 times before bedtime tonight.  I also want you to know that I had planned to come home and edit photos ( like I do most nights) but I decided to sit here in my comfy chair with a bottle of wine (yes the whole fucking bottle) and write. Because this is where I feel like I should be.

 

So, I'm sorry to the folks who's photos I'm not editing tonight and I'm sorry to all the readers who are catching all my typos from that bottle of wine.

 

BTW, my flavor of choice tonight is a harvest peach.  It's a little on the sweet side but it's pretty good. And I have no regrets drinking from the bottle.  I mean, I'm basically a bachelorette of some sorts, the only person here to judge me can't even wipe his own ass yet so he really has no room to say anything.

 

Yes, I've already dropped some fowl language and I'm only 2 paragraphs in.  It's that kinda night.

 

Friday is the big day!! I'm leaving my job to pursue a new life, maybe even a career or profession or trade.  The amount of synonyms are endless.

 

If you know me in person, you know this is a very exciting change for me because you know how much I dislike what I currently do.  If you know me in person at a fairly close level, you know it's time for me to change shit up because it's bringing me down.  Facts.  These are all facts.

 

Other current facts would be that I'm nervous about this decision.  I was nervous about the income part because duh, but that fear has been fading with time as I put more and more faith into the Big Man himself.  Something though that isn't really fading is my uncertainty about making this change without discussing it with a spouse and/or Kaleb's dad first.

 

Is that weird?

 

I mean, by law I'm considered an adult.  I've been making adult decisions for some time now, and so far they have worked out well enough; maybe not always perfect but good enough.

 

For some reason though, this one is harder for me.

 

It's been a little time since I've been raw with you about the touchy feelies in my life (meaning the hard shit like single mom crap and just flat-ass being single crap).

 

Straight up?  I miss having someone.  I miss having adult conversations with someone who really cares about the touchy feelies in my life.  I know I have my parents, my BFF's and you guys, but it's not the same.  It's not the same at all.  I miss that part of a marriage; I miss that part of feeling like I have a family.

 

Being a single mom is hard enough but being just single in general is getting pretty old.  {And I swear, if one more person asks me why I'm still single because they just "can't see why", I'll punch a cat. Or I'll punch something that won't get me in trouble with the organization that protects animal rights.}

 

Charles and I had a less than perfect marriage, for sure.  It was really rocky at times but one thing I can say about him is that he was always a good listener.  I like to talk; shocker, I know, and he would just sit there and listen.  He rarely offered solutions, which wasn't what I was looking for anyway, he just listened to my story and man, I loved that about him.  I need to talk! I need meaningful conversations in my life to feel like I'm working the bad shit out! I need that and I'm missing it; which is why this big change in not just my life, but Kaleb's life, is kinda, {for lack of better terms}, tough for me.

 

I know I don't need validation or confirmation but does it make sense that I feel some sort of uncertainty....or betrayal.....or (damn I can't think of the correct word here) because I'm making these life changing decisions for Kaleb and I, and I'm not checking with my other half, or his father first?

 

I understand this is something I need to get over and once I'm into the groove of our new life, it will be a feeling that passes, but mercy, it's kinda hard.

 

Actually, I'm really looking forward to having more time for writing, esp this style.  As much as I know it's nothing but word vomit, only making sense to me and possibly about 20% of my readers, it still has a sense of release and therapy for me, as you know.  The other thing I'm considering for when I jump the cubical ship is finding a counselor or something of the likes.  I honestly need someone who will just let me ramble on about stuff; even if it means I tell them about how I refuse to ever go back to Chick-fil-a on a Tuesday when kids eat free because the amount of kids eating free makes me inhale an entire bottle of wine when I get home and my sanity is worth more than a $5 chicken nugget meal.

 

Ever.

 

That's that my peeps.  That is all I have to say on this fine Tuesday -  I miss having someone to talk to.

So all of you that have a special someone going to bed with you tonight (not like that....but maybe like that), be appreciative of them.  Put down your phone, after reading this of course, and have a conversation with them.  Conversations about life changes, or dreams or wishes or fears or wine or annoying CFA trips.

All conversations matter. :)

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