So my first thought today is, I need to be hugged. I need a hug that will last forever. A hug that hugs away the tears. I want to pretend those hugs exists but I know they don't. There isn't anyone or any type of hug that will take away my hurt today. I may find a hug that'll sugar coat for the time being but I don't do sugar coating.
Again, why today? Who the fuck knows anymore. Maybe because yesterday, I had a less than cozy conversation with someone who was completely out of line, speaking about my current situation, this widow/single mom life that I live. Almost judging me and my choices. Questioning me on if I'm doing the right thing with my son, who's now without a father.
You see, it's these type of conversations that make me wanna punch someone square in the fucking face. Don't give me your "advice" unless you're also an amputeed widowed single mom by the time you were 30. Just don't. Because you know what that does to me? It pulls up every damn emotion and question I'm already feeling in my heart. It trudges up every damn tear that I struggle so hard to hang onto. It makes me lay on the bathroom floor at night, crying until I can't breath, with my child, who's life you're so sure is screwed because he doesn't have a dad, is watching. It makes that same child worry about his mom, who by the way, absolutely shouldn't be laying on the bathroom floor because that's currently where our dirty laundry takes residence. It makes him start to cry as well because mommy should be strong. And then it makes us both cry our self to sleep on a night that was shaping up to be tear free.
That's what those type of conversations do to me because I'm not always strong. I'm not always able to smile and move on with my day. I'm not always able to brush off what was said. And that's just the truth.
So, about that hug...