top of page

When rollercoasters aren't always awesome

I've been here over a year now. Not here as in this blog, here, as in this widow life. Widow life is a lot like riding a rollercoaster with your eyes closed, afraid to look down. You never know when your highs and lows will hit. You never know when something will strike a memory that'll bring you to tears or even find laughs. At first, thoughts and memories were a lot more often. Like every 15 minutes. Then every 30 minutes. Then every hour. In the beginning, I missed everything. I missed talking about Kaleb. I missed discussing how much he's growing and how we thought he was definitely the smartest kid on the block. I missed talking about how spoiled Molly was, and how I didn't want her sleeping on the bed, but he did. I missed our gossip sessions. (C'mon, y'all know we all do it) I missed going out to eat on Friday nights. I missed weekends that we stayed at home, doing nothing and only getting dressed for church. I missed weekends that we decided to road trip. I missed just about everything. As time goes on, I still miss these things, but I feel like I have a handle on them now. I know they're there. I know they'll cross my mind and I'll know how to acknowledge 'em without losing control. I know how to handle most of Kaleb's questions about daddy. It doesn't feel like a giant fucking punch in the gut when he asks about "daddy's spot" as we pass every cemetery . Now it just feels like a giant punch in the gut, minus the 'fucking' part. {not dropping the eff bomb is actual progress} But, as time goes on, I notice that I start to miss different things. It's like, just when you think the rollercoaster ride is over, there's a sharp turn and an instant drop. As I was going to lunch today, I literally picked up my phone to call Charles. Maybe my conscious wasn't going to call him because I know better by now, but my sub-conscious was definitely wanting to call. I had some news that I wanted to share. I so desperately wanted to share this news with someone...except just anyone wouldn't do. Of course I have my parents, my best friends, my inlaws, my readers, and they would all be equally as excited as Charles would have been, there's just something about having a spouse to share things with. There's just something different about it and sometimes I miss it. So, I sat in my car, phone in hand, crying. Crying on a good day. Crying because my good day turned sad without warning. I suppose that's just life now. And I suppose that it's okay. Tomorrow will be a new set of twists and turns...or it won't. Either way, I'll dry my tears and probably have guacamole for dinner. At least guacamole is predictable and opposite of rollercoasters.

Featured Posts
Recent Posts
Search By Tags
Follow Us
  • Facebook Basic Square
  • Twitter Basic Square
  • Google+ Basic Square
bottom of page