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I'm Writing a Letter, again

November 18, 2013

I woke up this morning with a little booty in my face.  Our little guy, for once, out slept me.  It was glorious, really.  I laid there as still as I could, in hopes to not wake him.

While I laid there I decided it would be a great morning for cinnamon rolls.  I haven't made them since you've been gone.  Of course, that's what my mind always goes to.  "since you've been gone..." I can never make it more than 30 minutes without thinking about something related to "since you've been gone."  I'll be honest here, it sucks. I hate always thinking about it. I hate that my life feels like a timeline. "Well I haven't made cinnamon rolls since you've been gone." "This is our first time doing this since you've been gone...." It never freakin ends.

As the cinnamon rolls were baking, Kaleb, is of course doing all the things he shouldn't be doing like climbing cabinets, messing with the dishwasher and pulling Molly's tail.  Everything was as it should be on this beautiful Sunday morning.

In the midst of all the shenanagins, I looked up and Kaleb was holding a cup up to his ear and said, "shhh quiet mommy, daddy's talking."

My heart sank.  I don't know what you said to him but my heart sank.

It was at that moment I realized today is five months since you've been gone.  Five months.  At three months it felt like an eternity.  I thought, how will I ever make it a year?  Today, at five months, I feel different.  I feel like it was just yesterday but at the same time, a million years ago.  This is by far the strangest mix of emotions I've ever experienced. 

I get over-whelmed easily.  My breath gets taken away when we pass a cemetery and Kaleb always asks if that's "daddy's spot".  I almost choked on my cinnamon roll when I thought about how much Kaleb has changed since you've been gone.  I think this is hardest part.  I feel like he was just a baby 5 months ago and today he's feeding the dog, taking showers by himself, counting to twelve (even though he skips the number 9 & 10), and telling me, "good job mommy".  How is it you're really missing all this? How is it Kaleb was speaking in one word sentences in June and now in November, he's speaking paragraphs and you aren't here to hear it?  I just can't wrap my mind around it. It's just like some days it doesn't even sink in a little bit.

I've changed too.  I'm not patient with our son.  I have short fuses.  I over-react.  I'm all these negative things that I never was before, and I hate it.  I look in the mirror and see someone unrecognizable.  On a daily basis I think about what you must think of me/us.  Am I doing right by you or are upset with me when I lose my temper for no reason?  We were never good at complimenting one another on being good parents and now more than ever, I regret that.  We should have said it.  I should have told you that you were a good dad and you should have told me I was a good mom.  We SHOULD have, every day.  I need YOU to tell ME I'm doing ok.  I need to know I'm doing right by you.  I'm making all the decisions on my own and I just need to know what you think.

There are answers I'll never have and that makes this seem impossible. 

On the brighter side, Kaleb congratulated me on a job well done with the cinnamon rolls.  At least for 30 minutes today, I was doing right.

With Love,
 

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