I've been holding out on y'all a bit. Not a whole lot, I just started feeling like my blog was a 'poor me' fest and frankly, there comes a time when folks get sick of reading that.
Things haven't been great. Infact, they've pretty much sucked the last two weeks. I know I told you a few posts ago that I felt like things had sunk in. The for-real grief had hit. I guess I only thought it had. I thought it had because I was only dealing with myself. Remember the whole, "Kaleb is fine, he's only two, he doesn't understand."
I was wrong as fuck.
Kaleb was in a different phase of grief, just like I was. I don't think we can call it denial or shock, maybe just along the lines of "daddy will prob come back one day." A misunderstanding. The mother load of all misunderstandings. Poor kid. I had no idea.
He went from being pretty well a dream kid to being a kid I didn't want to admit to raising. (Just to put this out there, I do realize some of this has to do with him being two...I think I've heard that about 83 times already)
Anyways, he started fighting bed time. He would throw himself down in the driveway because he didn't want to be at "Kaleb's house". He was screaming when it was time for a bath. He was fighting with his toys, throwing them against the wall. He was PISSED, y'all. He was impossible for me to deal with.
I found a child counselor. I talked to her and she said Kman was too young to be seen but that I could take his place. Super fantastic. On top of my own counseling, now this. In all honesty though, I felt like his was more important at the time. So I went.
I went and I went so well that I talked her ear off. I told her our circumstance and she told me I was an awesome mom. Me? Me! The one who wanted to trade her kid off? The one who sat at his door crying while he screamed for me to let him sleep with me. Me? The one who skipped bath time because I couldn't stand another fight. The one who fed her kid either cereal or queso for dinner? Yep, that was the one. I was being a good mom because I was looking for help. Thank God I did.
I told her everything. All the fighting, all the tears and the very few happy moments. She got a lot of stories.
To make a long story, short, she gave me a few things to work on with him. I was supposed to start asking him how he was feeling, every day, multiple times a day. His answer options were only sad or happy, mostly bc we kinda figured at his age, those were the two he understood best.
So the work began. "Kaleb how was your day? Are you feeling happy or sad today?" "Sad" with a big frown.
Day after day, we were feeling sad. Day after day, we cried all the way home. Night after night, he freaked out, begging me not to leave him.
The counselor said to keep at it. Keep asking him how he was feeling and keep promising him every night that I would never leave him. So, every night for a week now, I say, "Kaleb, mommy loves you and promises to never leave you." He just goes about his two yr old non-sleeping shenanigans and never says anything.
Last night, "Kaleb, mommy loves you and promises to never leave you."
"Momma? You promise?"
"Yeah baby, I promise."
As my freakin heart melted, I leaned in and we found eachother in the dark to hug and kiss. He held my neck so tight with his tiny arms and I thanked God for blessings.
I couldn't wait to see him today. I couldn't wait to pick him up. As soon as we got in the car, I said, "Kaleb, how was your day?" He said, "Good! I'm feeling happy!"
All on his own, y'all. All on his own. I know this is only the first day but it's progress!!! Progress because I believe in prayer and well, because I believe in the lady as well.
I feel a little silly for not thinking of this on my own but I'm not gonna focus on that. We are focusing on the happy and the fact there are NO meltdowns tonight! I was so encouraged that I came home and cooked dinner! Ok, not really, I warmed up some yummy food that some really nice friends made us. But I did dishes...that counts right? Of course it does.
Thanks for listening peeps. Y'all are some pretty cool followers and we are feeling loved.