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I couldn't have been more wrong

February 28, 2013

Remember this post?  Most of you probably don't remember because it was only like the third or fourth post on this little blog and let's face it, I only had one reader at the time. 

So if you don't feel like reading the old post, here's a very short recap for you:  There was nothing on this planet I wanted more than to be a stay-at-home-mom.  NOTHING. Like, you can't even grasp the amount I wanted this.  It was what I thought about every day, all day.  Nothing else would have ever made me happy.  I wanted it to be my job.  I prayed for hours and hours and some more hours about it.  I cried. I talked to others about it.  I blogged about it.  I went to church about it.  It was what I wanted more.than.anything.  You kinda get it?  If you're still not grasping it, go read that old post. 

Are you ready for this?  Hold onto your seat folks, this is big time for me.

I don't think I'm cut out for the whole SAHM thing.

Can you even believe I said those words?  I guess I'm cheating a little here because I haven't actually said them out loud, but typing them means I'm taking baby steps and that's what I need right now.  Baby steps.

From age 0 to 12 months?  I think I could totally handle staying at home.  This toddler business ain't no joke, y'all.  And the worse part?  I know it's only going to get worse.  I've heard that age 2 and 3 for boys are a fucking nightmare.  We're only at 21 months.  Today, infact. 

Wonderful, I'm posting about how my kid sent me over the edge on his 21 month birthday.  This makes me feel like a super stellar mom.  No 21 month update here.  Nope, just straight up mom failure.

So back to the matter at hand. There is no way I could be a full time, SAHM and succeed at it.  No Way.  I obviously don't have the patience for these meltdowns.  I don't have the energy to deal with them appropriately. I suck.

I have roughly 3.5 full hours with Kaleb at night.  Last night there were three huge meltdows in that short time.  I was ready to go through the roof.  I was supposed to be doing laundry, cooking dinner and making freakin banners and all I could do was sit my ass on the couch in disbelief.  He's laying on the floor screaming because I'm not allowing him to eat the Vicks vapor rub?  C'mon kid, this is for your own good. 

As soon as we deal with the meltdowns, he's deciding to stand on everything. Every toy.  Every tractor.  Every box.  Everything that doesn't hold up to a small person standing on it, he stands on.  Including my feet when I'm in the kitchen.  Are you listening to me?  He's standing ON TOP of my feet everytime I'm standing.  Awesome.  This makes it so much easier to cook dinner and such.

I started with kindly telling him no.  This leads to the crying and screaming, oh and don't forget, the ever loving word: "Owie".  Every.thing. is "owie".  "Owie momma, owie."  What the hell is hurting you?  Is your screeching cry hurting your ears because that's a possibility.

Now, I understand homeboy is trying to get my attention.  I get it.  I understand that 3.5 hours with his momma isn't enough.  I understand that he's been with kiddos all day long, working very hard to behave at daycare.  He's learning, he's eating, he's pooping (thank you baby Jesus), he's napping, this is all very hard work.  I, in turn, am dealing with crazy happenings at work, dealing with people who are too smart for their own good AND then dealing with idiots at the grocery store at 5 p.m.  Life is brutal for both of us.  This may or may not fuel the fire at the end of the day.

Even with all that said, I still don't think I have it in me to be a SAHM.  I just don't think I have the patients.  All day, everyday?  Don't think so. 

Does this make me a bad mom?  Ehhhh, no, not really.  Do I feel like a bad mom?  Yes.  Do I feel like my dreams defeated me?  Yep. Do I still feel guilty that I don't have more hours in the day to devote to my son?  Sure do.  Do I feel like at 30 I have no freakin clue where my professional life is headed?  Yes.  Does all of this make me sad today?  Absolutely. 

Will I feel better when I wipe my tears, put my big girl panties on and walk my ass downstairs to get a coffee?  Probably.

Okay, but in all seriousness.  It really really hit me last night and this morning that I'm just not cut out for this whole very patient, SAHM mom thing.  It's just not in the future plans God has for me.  It's hurts.  It hurts like a bitch.  It stings because I feel defeated but I knew I needed to admit it, I knew I needed someone to read that I was wrong.

I don't need a lot of pep talks.  I don't need you to tell me that it'll all be okay because it's a phase.  These are things I know.  I already know life will be okay, I mean, there's a starbucks IN my work place for crying outloud.  Anything can be okay when your work place has a starbucks.  Am I right? 

I just needed to come here and vent.  I needed to cry a little this morning and feel sorry for myself.  I needed to tell you that Kaleb had a meltdown before 7 a.m. today and in the midst of it all, he broke some eyeshadows.  He already knows the way to my heart, clearly.

I guess this pretty much sums up my post.  I've always been the kind that doesn't mind admitting when I was wrong but this time was harder.  Who knows what life has in store for me.  I'll just keep drinking my coffee, keep blogging, keep praying about it and see where I end up.  That's the best way, right? 

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