Motherhood is funny like that...

Motherhood is just funny like that...

You know how when your kid is still too young to walk into school alone? Like when they're in PreK or Kinder and they just don't have the courage to walk in by themselves, or because they are still mama's baby and they need that last kiss INSIDE their classroom. Or they're unsure if they can make it past all the older kids and still find their way...and you know how every morning, in your mind, you're like, "damn, if only they'd walk in by themselves and I could use the drop off line and then I wouldn't have to get out of the car...and I wouldn't have to act like I'm a delightful morning person, and I wouldn't have to look like I have my shit together and most importantly, I could probably leave the house without putting on real clothes!!!"

You know you know. I know you know. We've all had these thoughts. You strive for the day your kid will walk into school on their own. You discuss it with them on multiple occasions. You rehearse it in the car, "You'll do great! Your classroom is just RIGHT there! it's a very short walk! I know you're a big brave boy now, you can do it!! You're teacher will be waiting for you as you walk in! Mommy doesn't need to come with you inside anymore, you're such a bug PreK goer now, you got this!!"

And then, still No. They refuse to go in alone. They WANT you to park eleventy miles away from the entrance. They WANT you to walk through the parking lot with them, as all the other parents are judging your bed head FROM THEIR CAR, IN THE DROP OFF LINE! Your child WANTS you to be a social damn butterfly at 7:50 a.m., pretending like you're just as ready for the day as they are. They WANT you to hate mornings and they refuse to let you be the lazy parent who gets to stay in their car, not even having to put on a bra.

The anticipation for the day they walk into school on their own, is at it's highest. Especially with winter on it's way. The anticipation can be seen seeping through my resting bitch face every single morning.

Until it actually happens.

This morning, Kaleb and I were running extra late. Ok, I was running extra late because I decided to have a second cup of coffee in front of the fire place before I woke him up. The lateness was completely my fault.

If you know anything about Kaleb's anal and strict rules he has for me, one of his top 5 is to not make him late for stuff. In fact, he told me the other day that I should never have another baby because I already can't be on time for anything and another child would just add to my problem. He's a smart kid, that one. Annoyingly smart.

Anywho, we were going to be late this morning; "tardy" if you will. My PreK student was going to get his first marked tardy and I'd NEVER here the end of it.

{I'm still getting scolded for forgetting his show and tell last week Tuesday. But in my defense, Tuesday was their last day of school that week because of Thanksgiving, so actually, it seemed and felt more like a Friday. And they don't do show and tell on Fridays. But trying to explain "Tuesday was your Friday" to my analytical 5 year old, was worse than him fussing at me. So no check mark for this 'show-and-tell-forgetting-Mom.}

When we were about 3 minutes away from school, and the bell was going to ring in 2.5 minutes, I explained to Kaleb the situation we were in.

"Look, we're late. Again. If I park in our normal spot, and we walk into school together, you'll be marked tardy because the bell will ring while we're still walking through the parking lot. BUT, if I can drop you off at the door, you can use you fast legs and make it to your classroom with about 5 seconds to spare. And you won't be tardy. It's simple really, the entrance door is RIGHT THERE, it's literally so so close to your classroom. I know you're brave, I have faith in you!

So what's it gonna be?! Walk in like a big kid or be tardy?"

"I think I can do it mom. You can drop me off at the door and if I make it part of the way to my classroom and I get scared, I'll turn around and come get you out of the car. Okay?"

"...but thats not really how it works."

When we pulled up to school, he decided to give it a try. He was encouraged when he saw the principal holding the door open for everyone. He was ready. I was ready. It was the moment I've been dreaming of. I could already see my future self dropping off in my pajamas! Bells were ringing and angels singing.

I pulled up, rushing him, making his blood pressure rise with the thought of being tardy, he gave me a kiss and jumped out of the car, I tossed him his backpack through the window and watched him hurry inside, without even looking back.

Immediately, I had a lump in my throat and knots in my stomach. Suddenly I was worried that he wouldn't make it to his classroom. I was scared an older kid wouldn't see him in the hallway and plow right through my baby. I visioned him around the corner crying because the anxiety of being late got to him and he couldn't manage to make it all the way.

I sat there, in my car, so worried about my shy, little 5 year old, that I didn't even remember to pull forward. Cars were going around me as I waited to see if he'd be running out so I could walk with him.

I realized {again}, motherhood is weird and great and scary and regretful and hard and rewarding and tiresome and fulfilling, all in the same 5 minutes. It's something no one can POSSIBLY understand until you're RIGHT there, in that moment, making those decisions, giving that encouragement to soar but then feeling all the feels once they do take off...even if it's the tiniest steps.

I haven't decided what I'll do tomorrow since we/he overcame this hurdle. I'm tempted to get in the car with no shoes and no bra, but my luck, Kaleb will have different plans and rules for me. I guess with my kid, I should always be prepared. That's just motherhood, it's funny like that.