It was a bittersweet part of her life. It was a short part of her life but it was more than likely one of the biggest parts. She’ll try to forget and then she’ll always want to remember. She’ll hold onto the sweet parts and cry about the sad parts. She’ll wonder why it happened. She’ll ponder on what she was supposed to learn. She’ll try to squeeze the life out of it until she understands. The harder she squeezes, the faster it slips away.
There will be times that she’s mad at God and blame Him, because blaming someone seems easier than having no answers at all. She may never have the answers. She may never know why and while that’s part of it all, her personality needs to know why.
She’ll think about it every year as the air turns cold and the calendar screams “holiday”. When summer comes, there will be different thoughts, different memories, as that was when it became real. In the heat of the day, when the sweat beads on her nose build up, she’ll feel the tears welling up and the sadness in her chest. Then when the leaves start to fall, she’ll feel a little better, she’ll remember that she’s a survivor.
She has held on to a part of her life that she can’t hold onto anymore. It’s out of her control now. It’s like trying to hold water in your hand when your fingers are spread apart. It’s running out. It’s running away and nothing can be changed. She can’t go back to it. She can’t have that part back because there aren’t do overs. All she can do is sit back and watch that part, that very small part that left a very large hole, being washed away.
She’ll find it peculiar that the phrase says, “sit back and watch” when she isn’t even sure what it is she’s supposed to watch. How does she watch life when life is already one step ahead of her?
She’ll cry again. But in the same day, she’ll laugh again. She’ll tell God she’s sorry and pray for a hand to guide her. She feels like she’s losing what she already lost but she’ll sit back and watch for her new future.