Truth be told, when you left, we (you and I) weren't in the greatest place with our marriage. That was no secret with us. It wasn't what it should have been and it wasn't getting any better. There wasn't a lot of compassion and understanding left; there was just anger and hurt.
But the other truth is, we were still good parents and we still had the love of our child that connected us. We still had that. Which is where I still struggle with your absence the most.
If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, he has changed so much since you've been gone. It seems silly to say that now, it's almost been 4 years, of course he's changed. Looking back, he was still a baby when you left. He was only 2. He'll be S I X this summer. SIX! He weighs 62 pounds and has 2 adult teeth making their way in. I mean, compared to age 2, he's practically a grown man.
The other morning when I was getting him ready for "Western Day" at school, I missed you for him. I've never seen him more excited to get dressed up. He wanted his outfit to be perfect. Boots, jeans, the perfect shirt and then of course, his "real cowboy hat", the one your dad gave him.
After we had everything on, tucked in, and placed just perfectly, he backed up and said, "how do I look, am I a real cowboy?"
Even though it was well before 7 a.m. (you know my morning time struggles) and I was still in my pajamas, I thought, "gah I miss you for him." If only you had been here to help get him dressed like a "real cowboy." If only you had been here to show him exactly how to wear his hat; if only you had been here to just see him.
I told him I didn't know where Kaleb disappeared to, because all I saw was a real cowboy in my living room! He belly laughed but my heart was aching because even though I knew you were watching, you weren't physically here for him to see.
He's been asking about you again lately. The other day he asked if I had to fuss at you as much as I have to fuss at him. "When daddy was living with you, did you always have to fuss at him too?" This made me laugh so much but I missed you for him because it's becoming more obvious he has forgotten those two short years you were in his life. And I'm not mad at you for that, I'm just sad for him.
This spring he's going to play soccer. It'll be the first time for him to be on a team and he can barely handle the excitement! I will miss you so hard for him.
His first game; I'll miss you for him.
The first time he kicks the ball in the right direction; I'll miss you for him.
And if by some miracle, he makes an actual goal; I'll miss you for him.
Even though you and I weren't always what we should have been as a couple, please know that I'll always miss you for him. For the 3 of us.
The milestones in his life, they just keep coming. And with each new one, the thought of you and the want & need to have you here, never lessens.
Life got the best of you; it won the battle and for that, we will never cast blame upon you. You put me in charge when you left, you trusted me to raise our son; I hope I'm making you proud.
I don't know why my heart chose today, but I woke up and needed to write you this letter. I needed to cry. I needed to tell you again, I miss you for him. I miss you for us.