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Us Last Year and Us Today

February 13, 2015

I check Timehop everyday knowing full and well that there's a chance something on that little app will remind me of Charles, but most of the time, that's why I check it. I'm always hoping there will be a picture on there that I forgot I took of he and I, or of him and Kaleb. 

 

Today when I opened it, this popped up.

 

I looked at it and re-read it for what seemed like an hour.

 

It breaks my heart.

 

It hurts so much knowing that Kaleb has witnessed some of my very lowest moments in life.  He's been there, watching me paralyzed on the bathroom floor, crying so hard, I eventually puke.  He's heard me sobbing in the shower.  He's sat with me in the car, on the side of the road, because I just couldn't move forward.  He's been there.  He's seen all of that.  And that makes me hurt like you can't even imagine.

 

On the other hand, staring at this made me realize just how far we've both come in the last year.  I haven't been on the floor in months. Months! I've taken so many tearless showers and I can't remember the last time I had a panic attack in the car.  I feel like Kaleb has moved leaps and bounds too.  He still asks about Daddy every now and then but it's definitely less.  And when he does ask, he's much more accepting of the answer.  He's able to ask about other dads without asking why he doesn't have one. 

 

I know for him, there are many more struggles headed his way, as he gets older and understands more, but we'll deal when that time comes.

 

Today, I'm so thankful for this reminder.  And I'm damn proud of us.

 

 

this one is dedicated to you, kid. 

{just as a finished typing this, our wedding song started playing on Pandora.  Daddy is always here.}



 

 

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