The 4 Easy Steps to Bedtime With Small Children
For the majority of parents, there are 4 simple and basic steps to getting your child to bed.
{insert the sarcasm here}
Step 1: Bath Time
Tell child it’s time for a bath
Child tells you they want to keep playing
Tell child they can play two more minutes
Start running the water in the tub
Add bubble bath
Go to child’s room and try to lure them into the bathroom
Child tells you his 2 minutes of playing is not complete
Drag child into bathroom
Start stripping child of clothing
Get yelled at by child because they want to do it themselves
Watch as child attempts unbuttoning a polo shirt
Wonder why you even dress them in anything other than a t-shirt
Put child on toilet
Child needs to pee and poop
Check the status and temperature of running water
Wait for the child to finish pooping
Check social media
Talk to the dog
Instagram this pooping family affair
Wonder why small children need an audience for bowl movements
Anticipate your own poop and shower time – in private
Lose track of time and realize the water is still running and the bubbles are growing
Tell child to wrap it up
Wipe child’s butt
Place child in tub
Listen to child whine about the temperature of the water
Listen to the child ask for more bubbles. 8 times
Negotiate the amount of toys that are allowed at bath time
Try to rationally explain why battery operated Buzz Light Year cannot take a bath
Convince child that he needs his hair washed because he decided to throw sand. For an hour straight
Listen to child whine about not wanting to wash his hair
Work up the motivation to wash his hair regardless
Get in there with that cup of water and Wash. His. Hair. and all the other parts
Recover from the hair washing
Dry the bathroom floor off from the flood that occurred during hair washing
Break the news that bath time is over
Listen to child cry about bath time being over
Get child out of tub
Chase after him with a towel
Let the dog out because she also got her hair washed
Find child
Throw a towel around them
Begin chasing the towel child
Decide they are dry *enough*
Step 2: Pajama Placement
Wrangle naked child and get them to lie on the bed
Or floor
Or kitchen counter (kidding)
Begin putting on underwear/pull-up
Answer when child asks what cartoon character is on the underwear
Listen to child whine about it not being the right character
Find a toy to keep child occupied
Wrangle child again because he got away while you were looking for a toy
Give child the toy and ask him to be still
Listen to child whine because it’s not the right toy
Attempt pulling the pajama top over child’s head
Listen to child cry because the hole for the head is too small since the kid-pajama manufactures don’t know how to make pajamas properly
Apologize to child and promise to buy new pajamas tomorrow
Start putting on pajama pants
Listen to child whine because these are Toy Story pajamas and he wanted Cars pajamas
Make a mental note to purchase Cars pajamas 4 sizes too big
Wonder why all the kid pajamas have to fit so damn snug
Contemplate giving up and letting small child sleep with no clothes on
Regroup and finish pajama placement
Step 3: Reading/Prayers
Calmly tell child it’s time to read books and say prayers
Listen to him whine about not being tired
Ask him to pick out 2 books
Reinforce only 2 books when he insists on 5
Redirect him from the toys to the books
Remind him he only gets 2 books
Send him to put away the extra books when he brings 4
Redirect him away from the toys. Again.
Ask about pee and/or pooping needs
Confirm he does not need to pee or poop for the 3rd time
Redirect him away from the toys
Get him tucked into bed
Position yourself in a way you’re able to read the books yet have a successful escape route
Open the first book
Get redirected because that’s not the right book
Open the other book and start reading
Finish book with no interruptions
Start reading final book
Become tempted to skip a couple pages here and there
Wonder why kids only like reading the same books, night after night
Curse the system because they know when you skip a page
Finish the final book
Announce prayer time
Get redirected again as child requests toys to sleep with
Listen as he lists things like, “my baseball bat”, “my larger than life Thomas the Train Steam Engine toy that whistles”, “my aviator hat” and my Lightening McQueen race track, complete with Tow Mater
Inform child that not all of those toys are sleep appropriate and try to explain the concept of compromise
Realize that a 3 year old has never and will never understand rationality and/or compromise
Settle on the aviator hat and a suggest the cast of *plush* Toy Story dolls
As a courtesy, remind child that after prayer time, it will be lights out time
Ask child who he wants to pray for
Sit and listen as he lists every person he has ever known, every animal under God’s creation, and every favorite food
Silently thank God for such a precious soul but really start anticipating that alone time
Follow up with an out loud - Amen.
Get informed that he was not finished
Continue to listen to child now praying for his bruised knee and the ant bite on his toe
Follow up with an out loud – Amen
Kiss your sweet, precious, adorning baby goodnight
Reassure them you love them to the moon and back
Tell them sweet dreams
Execute the escape plan
Cringe and grit your teeth when child says, “wait mommy”
Child needs drink of water
Tell child no water is allowed after 8 p.m.
Listen to child cry about water deprivation
Tell child he can have a drink in the morning
Kiss your sweet, precious, adorning baby goodnight
Reassure them you love them to the moon and back
Tell them sweet dreams
Execute the escape plan
Cringe and grit your teeth when child says, “wait mommy”
Child says he needs to poop
Reassure him he pooped enough when he sat on the toilet for 20 minutes just prior to his bath
Kiss your sweet, precious, adorning baby goodnight
Reassure them you love them to the moon and back
Tell them sweet dreams
Execute the escape plan
Step 4: Lights out/Parent Walks Out
*Finally* turn out the lights and walk out
Shut door
Quickly walk to master bed/bath area and dream of soaking in the tub. Alone
Start your own bathwater
Look at the clock and realize child’s bedtime took entirely too long and contemplate just going to bed
Say screw it and go ahead with bubble bath plans
Find a good book
Undress
Take book and social media with you into the tub
Get positioned into tub just right
Open social media to read about all the other dinner time/poop time/bed time horror stories
Smile and silently gloat because your kid is in bed and your day is DONE
Hear the bathroom door open…
“MOMMY??”
::hand meets forhead::
