Tonight I did something Charles and I wanted to do ever since we were married but just never made the point to do. I went to see Stoney Larue perform live. It's not a huge deal here in Texas, he plays all over, but he's the artist that wrote/sang the song we danced to at our wedding. I went with friends and it wasn't supposed to be an emotional night but here I sit, writing after midnight, so it must have hit home just enough.
If someone would have pulled me aside 10 years ago, at age 21 and said, "Samantha, when you're 31, you're going to feel more lost than you've ever felt in your life", I would have laughed in their face. At 21, I knew what I wanted in life and I knew where I was headed. I prayed about my future husband all the time, I knew I wanted to have multiple kids, I knew I wanted to stay home, I knew knew knew.
Turns out, I didn't know shit.
I'd say, overall, I'm fairly use to this life. I'm use to Charles being gone. I'm use to being a single mom. I'm not still living in the shock factor anymore, like I was. And for the most part, I'd also say I have nothing to complain about. I have a well-paying job, I own a house, I have reliable transportation, I have a healthy child, I have more friends than I can count and I have family that lives close by. I mean, wouldn't most say that's all you need? Then why do I feel so lost?
When I was driving home tonight, after hearing our wedding song, it was so clear to me, yet so cloudy. I'm chasing something without having a clue as to what it is. I'm chasing in the dark. Or I'm chasing without having a goal or a stopping point. I'm chasing something that will make me feel whole again.
I go places and I fit in. I can fit in over here, or I can fit in over there, but I don't belong anywhere anymore and this is my most current struggle. Why do I feel like this? Why do I need to feel like I belong at all? Why isn't fitting in good enough? Why isn't belonging to Kaleb good enough? Why am I chasing? More importantly, what am I chasing? Is there even an answer?
I might be used to this life, but I'm maybe not so good at it.
Thank you to whoever is out there reading my midnight sob story. I probably should have just gone to bed and spared you all of this choppy and hard to follow post. In my head I knew what I wanted to say and did the best I could. I feel better already. I'm even considering sleeping in my own bed vs. the couch, which 15 minutes ago, I felt like I didn't belong on either. See? Progress.
Goodnight to all. Here's to the search of the unknown.