The Time I Wanted a Girl But Was Blessed With The World Instead

“I really feel like we’ll have a girl first, babe.” These were the words straight from my husband’s mouth before we even got pregnant. I told him, “I can’t believe you just said that because I’m feeling the SAME way…”

It wasn’t something we kept quiet. We were so sure that we were going to have a girl, we told everyone.

It took us a little over a year to get pregnant. It was such a trying time, but like most say, once I decided we should take a break from it, boom, we were pregnant.

The day I found out I was pregnant, I immediately started looking at pink everything. Pink bedding. Pink clothes. Pink strollers. Pink everything. I just knew I was pregnant with a girl. My husband and I only talked about girl names. He was set on the name Katie and I wanted something fun like, Lorelei. Either way, we were just so excited to be pregnant with what we thought was a girl.

My first 20 weeks were rough. Rough. I was sick the entire time. And news flash mommas, morning sickness doesn’t just come in the mornings and it doesn’t always come in the form of vomit. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

So here we were, 20+ weeks into my first pregnancy. I had been talking to my sweet baby belly as though she was a girl. My husband had already began the “How are my girls today? What are my girls hungry for tonight?”, conversations and I had absolutely fallen in love with the baby girl in my tummy. Of course though, we were still going to have an ultrasound to confirm the sex.

As the doctor scanned my baby bump she said, “I think I’m seeing a girl…but I’m only about 85% sure.” She suggested that we come back in a few weeks just to be sure, but 85% was all I needed. I had it in my heart, my husband felt like it was a girl, and even grandma was convinced, so we went with it.

A few weeks went by and it was time for another ultrasound. She started scanning, studying the screen, I could tell she was puzzled by something and then she says, “I’m almost never wrong about genders but I think this time I was, you are definitely pregnant with a BOY! Congratulations!”

My heart broke. I mean, I know I’m not supposed to feel like that, but it did. Y’all. I was so sad. I started crying, of course, asked to be done with the appointment, and went to the car immediately. My husband tried to console me by saying the classics, “but he’s healthy…and a baby is what we tried so hard for…and it’s going to be great…the next one will probably be a girl…”. I didn’t want to hear any of that. I had in my heart that I was pregnant with a girl and a girl is who I’d fallen in love with. Now, it felt like I had a stranger in my belly and no one understood why I was so upset.

I cried for a week. Ugly cried. It was ridiculous. I knew I shouldn’t have reacted that way and I knew, of course, I would love him no matter what but, it was almost like I had to mourn the loss of a baby girl I never had. I felt like my “mother’s intuition” had failed me. Sounds absolutely absurd until you’ve been through it, and I know there are moms out there who this has happened to…I’ve heard you admit it.

I spent the remainder of my pregnancy getting used to the idea of a boy; I even went baby shopping alone so I could look at all the boy stuff and let it settle in without getting judged. I bought some of the cutest baby boy clothes I’d ever seen, hung them throughout his room and just looked at them every day. We got out the baby name book and started over. We bought tiny cowboy boots. My husband bought camo (against my will). We just started doing and buying all things boy. Before I knew it, I was ready to meet our son!

The day he was born was the day I truly understood unconditional love. It didn’t matter if he was a boy or girl. Full head of hair or no hair, ten fingers and toes or no fingers and toes; he was mine and I loved him to the moon and back.

Now that I’ve been with this whole, BoyMom gig for three solid years, I couldn’t be happier and I wouldn’t change it for anything. We watch things like Bob-the-Builder and Thomas the Train. We often times stop at construction sites to see the bulldozer do its thing or wait at train tracks in hopes to see a “choo-choo” pass by. We stay outside until the sun goes down or until we can’t stand another mosquito bite. My life is full of transportation toys, dirt, and Cars themed underwear. There’s not a speck of pink anywhere in our house and I wouldn’t have it any other way. My son is my heart and soul. My world.