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When rollercoasters aren't always awesome

June 30, 2014

 

 

I've been here over a year now.  Not here as in this blog, here, as in this widow life.  

Widow life is a lot like riding a rollercoaster with your eyes closed, afraid to look down.  You never know when your highs and lows will hit. You never know when something will strike a memory that'll bring you to tears or even find laughs.  At first, thoughts and memories were a lot more often.  Like every 15 minutes.  Then every 30 minutes.  Then every hour.  

In the beginning, I missed everything.  I missed talking about Kaleb.  I missed discussing how much he's growing and how we thought he was definitely the smartest kid on the block.  I missed talking about how spoiled Molly was, and how I didn't want her sleeping on the bed, but he did.  I missed our gossip sessions. (C'mon, y'all know we all do it)  I missed going out to eat on Friday nights.  I missed weekends that we stayed at home, doing nothing and only getting dressed for church.  I missed weekends that we decided to road trip.  I missed just about everything.

As time goes on, I still miss these things, but I feel like I have a handle on them now.  I know they're there.  I know they'll cross my mind and I'll know how to acknowledge 'em without losing control.  I know how to handle most of Kaleb's questions about daddy.  It doesn't feel like a giant fucking punch in the gut when he asks about "daddy's spot" as we pass every cemetery .  Now it just feels like a giant punch in the gut, minus the 'fucking' part.  {not dropping the eff bomb is actual progress}

But, as time goes on, I notice that I start to miss different things.  It's like, just when you think the rollercoaster ride is over, there's a sharp turn and an instant drop.  

As I was going to lunch today, I literally picked up my phone to call Charles.  Maybe my conscious wasn't going to call him because I know better by now, but my sub-conscious was definitely wanting to call.  I had some news that I wanted to share.  I so desperately wanted to share this news with someone...except just anyone wouldn't do.  Of course I have my parents, my best friends, my inlaws, my readers, and they would all be equally as excited as Charles would have been, there's just something about having a spouse to share things with.  There's just something different about it and sometimes I miss it.

So, I sat in my car, phone in hand, crying.  Crying on a good day.  Crying because my good day turned sad without warning. I suppose that's just life now.  And I suppose that it's okay.  Tomorrow will be a new set of twists and turns...or it won't.  Either way, I'll dry my tears and probably have guacamole for dinner. At least guacamole is predictable and opposite of rollercoasters. 


 

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