When rollercoasters aren't always awesome


I've been here over a year now. Not here as in this blog, here, as in this widow life. Widow life is a lot like riding a rollercoaster with your eyes closed, afraid to look down. You never know when your highs and lows will hit. You never know when something will strike a memory that'll bring you to tears or even find laughs. At first, thoughts and memories were a lot more often. Like every 15 minutes. Then every 30 minutes. Then every hour. In the beginning, I missed everything. I missed talking about Kaleb. I missed discussing how much he's growing and how we thought he was definitely the smartest kid on the block. I missed talking about how spoiled Molly was, and how I didn't want her sleeping on the bed, but he did. I missed our gossip sessions. (C'mon, y'all know we all do it) I missed going out to eat on Friday nights. I missed weekends that we stayed at home, doing nothing and only getting dressed for church. I missed weekends that we decided to road trip. I missed just about everything. As time goes on, I still miss these things, but I feel like I have a handle on them now. I know they're there. I know they'll cross my mind and I'll know how to acknowledge 'em without losing control. I know how to handle most of Kaleb's questions about daddy. It doesn't feel like a giant fucking punch in the gut when he asks about "daddy's spot" as we pass every cemetery . Now it just feels like a giant punch in the gut, minus the 'fucking' part. {not dropping the eff bomb is actual progress} But, as time goes on, I notice that I start to miss different things. It's like, just when you think the rollercoaster ride is over, there's a sharp turn and an instant drop. As I was going to lunch today, I literally picked up my phone to call Charles. Maybe my conscious wasn't going to call him because I know better by now, but my sub-conscious was definitely wanting to call. I had some news that I wanted to share. I so desperately wanted to share this news with someone...except just anyone wouldn't do. Of course I have my parents, my best friends, my inlaws, my readers, and they would all be equally as excited as Charles would have been, there's just something about having a spouse to share things with. There's just something different about it and sometimes I miss it. So, I sat in my car, phone in hand, crying. Crying on a good day. Crying because my good day turned sad without warning. I suppose that's just life now. And I suppose that it's okay. Tomorrow will be a new set of twists and turns...or it won't. Either way, I'll dry my tears and probably have guacamole for dinner. At least guacamole is predictable and opposite of rollercoasters.

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