So many times I ask myself if I'm "enough". Did I get enough work done? Did I smile enough? Did I consider others enough? Did I show Kaleb enough love? Did I discipline enough. Did I remind him enough that I'll never leave him? Did I show enough appreciation to my parents and friends who help me every day? Did I give enough glory to God for the blessings? Did I do enough in the 24 hours I was given?
The truth is, yeah, I probably did just enough of all those things, to get by. Yes, I was professional and smiled at people in the hall. Yes, I told Kaleb I loved him and promised him I'd be there when he wakes up in the morning. Yes, I took the iPad away from him when he chose to throw a temper tantrum but then, yes, I let him have a few bites of ice cream before bed. Yes, I told my mom thank you for washing that load of laundry. Yes, I prayed here and there, throughout the day and a little before I fell asleep...and all of that was enough for the day but how does a person become more? How do I be more than enough?
I look around and I feel like I see people doing more than enough, all the time. There are moms with four kids who are not only managing to keep her kids alive, but shes making time for others. She's sending, out-of-the-blue greeting cards, remembering birthdays, she's making meals for church friends, she's keeping up with her house chores, she's doing more than just getting by.
I know I've been through a lot, but so have other people. There are a ton of single moms out there, being strong and courageous, showing the world they can fight; showing the world they are more than enough. I just don't feel like that's me.
I need and want to be more, y'all. I want Kaleb to look back and say, "Wow! My mom, she really busted her ass for me." Instead, I feel like right now all he could say is, "yeah, my mom was alright, she kept me alive, fed and sometimes bathed." I want my friends and family to feel like they really have something special in me.
I just feel like I should be ending my day feeling like I did something good, like I made a difference, like I was a great mom and not just mediocre. I know it's not realistic for me to be "more" every single day but I've only been "enough" for a while now, and it's just not cuttin it.
Thanks for letting me Pour My Heart Out,