Remember those nights we used to have when we would just lay in bed and we, ok I, would talk for hours? I remember the look on your face. You had that look of shock that someone could actually have that much to say. That much to ramble about. I knew you didn't think it physically possible for someone to actually talk that long.
The thing I loved though was the fact you never seemed annoyed, truly just in awe. You just listened. You listened with a little laugh here and there, listened with a nod every now and then, and listened with zero judgement. You never once made fun of or told me what I had to say was stupid. I rambled about 25 different things and there you were, just listening.
Tonight's gonna be a lot like that. Except with tears. And probably some yelling.
I was leaving work today, walking down the long hallway, you know the one, the one with the glass door at the end. That always seems like the longest hallway at the end of the day. There I was, walking, thinking about how I wanted tonight to be a lazy night at home, hoping Kaleb would be okay with that. I looked up and saw my reflection in the glass. I saw just one person walking. One set of legs walking alone. Of course it was me. Of course, there I was walking this walk alone.
It hit me like the first time, all over again. I'm fucking walking this hallway alone. I couldn't believe I was back at that place. I couldn't believe God brought me back here. How dare He bring me back to alone. I hate alone.
I experienced alone in high school when none of the boys would like me. I lived through alone in college when my heart was broken, twice. I cried and cried through alone when I used to go sit in church and pray that God would send my soulmate because I couldn't handle alone anymore. I hated alone, more than you know. Alone is the worst feeling.
When I met you, I quit looking. I wasn't alone anymore. You were there. You were always there. Then you were there with an engagement ring and there I was with a sigh of relief. A big ass sigh of relief. A weight was lifted off my shoulders because God said my alone time was up. I did my duty. No more alone time.
I knew God didn't promise perfect and happy all of the time but I did know we made a promise to never be alone. I was happy with that.
It absolutely wasn't perfect. It was far from it. It was so hard and trying. It was frustrating and annoying but it was all those things with you.
So now what? I'm back to alone? Is that really even fair? No. No it's not. There are so many people out there, getting to just live their life with their spouse, all up in their beautiful, perfect home with their perfect kids just being fucking perfect and here I sit in my cluttered, unorganized house, with old pizza and spoiled milk in the fridge, feeling like an asshole because I wanna punch you and God in the face.
It's not fair. It's not fair I didn't get my happy love story. It's not fair that being alone is one thing I hate the most and here I have to deal with it again. None of it's fair. It's not fair to Kaleb. It's not fair to him because I should have the energy to be a better mom. I'm so sucking as a mom lately, no really, I am. He saw me yawn and he said, "you so freakin tired?" I mean, how much does he hear me talk to myself?
I know you've heard people tell me how they can't believe I'm so strong through all of this, and I guess most of the time I am. I am strong. I probably could have died in my accident when I was 10, but I didn't. I probably could have grown up a drug addict from dealing with the phantom pain I endure every day, but I didn't. I should probably end up as an alcoholic since I'm 30 and widowed, but I won't. I'm strong like that. I won't turn to drugs or alcohol. I won't quit being a mom. I won't quit smiling. I won't quit praying to God but don't expect me to think dealing with alone is fair. Because it's not.