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I'm writing a letter

October 11, 2013

The other day when Kaleb and I left the doctors office, I picked up my phone to call you because that's what we always did.  You always said, "call me when y'all finish and let me know what the doctor said." Well, the doctor said he had an infection but otherwise he was impressed with how well he's doing and growing. I desperately wanted to tell you that.  I desperately wanted to tell you how our son is growing into such a little man.  He has changed night and day since you've been gone.

I sat there and looked at my phone and thought, "are you sure Samantha, are you positive you can't call him?  Are you sure he won't pick up the phone after these last months?"  I of course knew what the answer was.  I had your phone turned off a long time ago.  Maybe I should have kept it. Maybe it would help.  Or maybe it would make me feel worse.

As I sat there I thought about if I could just talk to you one more time, what would I tell you?  First and foremost, I knew you'd want to hear about Kaleb.  I knew you'd want to know that he talks about you almost every day and he still thinks that you're "driving" every airplane he sees.  I knew you'd want to know that I'm amazed at how much he remembers of what you taught him.  Every time he opens the iPad, I'm blown away at what y'all learned when I wasn't there.  He knows every single one of those animals on that stupid animal app.  He knows them all.  Even the random ones like the flamingo and the llama and knows the difference between the eagle and the crow.  I had no idea you spent so much time teaching him those.  I knew you'd want to know that he's a big boy now and feeds Molly every day.  He even puts away his toys and shoes when I ask him.  You'd want know that every time he sees me cry, he brings me his blankie.  He gives every one a high five and then "knuckles knuckles" just like you taught him.  Everyone gets knuckles. I knew you'd think it was funny to know that he wants me to smell his feet every night and say "pew wee, stinky!" He thinks it's hysterical to stink like a boy.  Most of all, you'd just want to know how great he is.  He is absolutely something to be proud of.  He's beautiful, kind hearted, so smart and so loving. 

Maybe you'd want to know other things like, I've started getting used to taking out the trash but I still can't bare to clean out the refrigerator of old food.  You'd def be proud to know that Denise and I killed a rattle snake the other night and we only freaked out a little.  Molly wants you to know that she completely hates her life and hates 2 year olds who stick their thumbs in her eye sockets.  She'd probably also tell you about the time I forgot about her and just let her roam the streets for hours and she had to make her own way home, which she did, because you know she can't go without her bed.  You'd want to know that Kaleb and I have a relationship like never before.  There are times I feel like we are roommates. He shares the bed with me, which I hate.  Sometimes we bicker like brother and sister; I tell him to scoot over and he just gets closer. I get so unbelievably frustrated with him I don't even know which way to turn but the next day when I'm sitting at my desk, I realize I miss him like a fat kid misses cake. He's my very best friend and he's got the whole 'unconditional love' thing down pat.  We're 2 peas living in 1 pod.

I suppose these are all things you already know because you're with us always.  I hear you laughing at us when we're being silly and I feel you riding in the car with us when we don't want to go home.  These are all things you already know because you're in a greater place where you know all the things. 

Even though I know you know, I still had to tell you because well, you're there, and we're here, trying to figure this out. 

This is my first letter to you but probably not my last.  I feel better having told you all these happenings in our life.  I feel like you really know now.  I feel like you're kinda caught up and that makes me feel better but somehow I can't control my tears. 

We have a lot of activities coming up so please come with us.  Please come with us to the pumpkin patch and watch Kaleb try to pick up the pumpkins.  Please come with us to birthday parties and precious baby showers.  Come with us when we attempt to take a family photo for Christmas cards, please, please come with us.

So I guess that's it for now....you know where to find us.  We miss you.



With love,

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