I may be a bit different than most. In fact, in some ways, I know that I am.
I took what I thought were baby steps today and they turned into the biggest, heart wrenching, steps ever.
I finally started writing "thank you" notes. Yes, I know, it's 2.5 months later, I'm a procrastinator. At it's finest. I thought my delay in writing was because I couldn't find the time, but in reality, I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to re-read every one's beautifully written notes and cards. I wasn't ready to re-read how sorry everyone was for our loss. I wasn't ready to write "thank you" to everyone for showing kind gestures due to my husbands death. I had even ordered special thank you cards that would be a bit more personal, something that would get me "motivated" to write.
The cute, awesome, custom "thank you's" I ordered did give me some motivation but the minute I started writing them, my breath was taken away. I was able to complete about 25 today. Twenty-five is just a drop in the bucket when I'm looking at the other 50 I still need to write. I suppose I'll get them done. Maybe next month.
I decided cleaning out drawers and cabinets might be a little easier. A little more in the "baby step" direction. Surely I can go through junk drawers and bathroom cabinets with no issues. Of course I can do that. I can do that until I come across his half-used bottle of cologne. I can do that until I find the clippers I used to shave his head with. I can do that until Kaleb recognizes these items and says, "Daddy!!"
I'm not going to lie, I sprayed his cologne. A lot. I needed to smell it again, one last time. I wanted to do this one last time, in my home. Can you just imagine that smell crossing my path in the store one day and me just breaking the eff down, right then and there? I just thought it would be better to have that first initial breakdown, at home, in my bathroom. As the tears are streaming and I'm cursing the fact that a man's smell can literally take my breath away, Kaleb is in the corner, holding the clippers on his head saying, "like daddy, momma!" Yes, that's just like daddy, son.
These baby steps needed to happen. They are part of healing for me. I need to heal so I'm strong for Kaleb.
There are many many more steps to come, most of them will probably seem small until I actually do them, and then I'll be all, "you guys, I can't catch my breath", again. The good thing is that when they are done, they're done and I'm that much stronger, I'm that much further along in my healing steps.