I've always believed that children can see beyond what we realize. Especially the younger they are, the more receptive to seeing "things" I think they are. You may call them ghosts, another might call them spirits or angels, whatever your choice lingo may be, I believe children can see them. I'm not going to go into great detail here about my beliefs or what I think you should believe, I'm just going to tell my quick little story in hopes it'll touch your heart like it touched mine.
Charles died on a Monday. Kaleb never really asked me where his daddy was. He went about his day, not knowing anything different. I, of course, didn't know what I was going to tell him and I was secretly thankful he hadn't asked me. That Wednesday night, I was rocking him before bed, and just as I thought he was almost asleep, he sat up and said, "momma, daddy is laughing." I said, "Kaleb did you just say daddy is laughing?" He said, "yeah, daddy happy."
I was blown away because he had never said the word laughing before. I didn't know that was in his vocabulary. It touched my heart and right then, I knew that Charles was already by our side.
Kaleb told me that about four other times throughout the next month. It was always at night time, while we were either reading books, rocking, or praying. And every time it was the same thing, "momma, daddy laughin" or "momma, daddy happy." I knew it was Charles's way of letting me know, he's there.
As time passes, Kaleb mentions his daddy less and less. He has only asked me one time where daddy was and I simply told him he was with Jesus. I have never told him he's in the sky, I've never said he's in the clouds, I just told him what I know and that is, that he's with Jesus.
One day about three weeks ago, when we were driving away from daycare, Kaleb said, "DADDY!!!!" and I said, "you see daddy, where?" He said, "up there, in airplane and Jesus too!"
I'll admit, I thought it was a little odd. I'm usually pretty down with whatever he thinks he sees because I believe anything is possible.
I asked Kaleb to simply clarify that what I thought he said, was correct. He confirmed that yes, daddy was indeed with Jesus in an airplane. I smiled and thought to myself, "they must have been playing with airplanes right before I picked him up" and didn't think anymore about it.
Fast foward to now, as you may know, I posted last week that Kaleb is now sleeping in my room because he was scared in his. I wasn't pumped about it because I just feel like after he goes to bed, his bed, that's my time to either cry, watch sex and the city, work out or all the above. I was having two hours to myself to unwind and I was sure I needed the alone time.
So tonight, after he had been in bed about 20 minutes, I hear him saying, "MOMMA MOMMA!!!" I rush into the room and say, "what, what is it, what's wrong??" He says, "wook, momma, wook, daddy and Jesus on airplane!" as he was pointing to the ceiling. I said, "oh you see Daddy up there?" He said laughing, "yeah, they so funny momma."
Now. I know we are well into 2013 and airplanes are a preferred method of transportation but I never took Jesus for the airplane type. Kidding. He's totally down with the times.
I do believe that Kaleb is seeing his daddy and it certainly warms my heart.
These moments we're experiencing are making me stronger. They are making the days and nights much easier to get through. I never, in a million years, would have guessed that my two year old son would be coaching me through the grief. He is showing me ways to feel my heart again. He is reminding me to smile. He is giving me reasons to slow down and just listen. He is helping me survive.
Just when I thought it was best for me to be alone at night, God placed my little, blonde headed blessing in the empty spot next to me so we could all take airplane rides together. I'll never be alone and for that, I am grateful.