I get asked on a daily basis, "How are you doing? Are you okay? How is Kaleb?" After about the 58th time, it dawned on me, I don't know how to answer those questions anymore. I don't know how to give folks a quick answer. I just don't know what to say.
What does it mean to be okay? I mean, really, what does okay mean?
Am I considered to be okay because I'm getting out of bed everyday? Does "okay" mean washing my hair and wearing something other than pajamas 5 days a week? Are Kaleb and I okay because we are currently at the beach? I think everyone might just have a different definition of okay, or do y'all have a definition at all?
Kaleb. Kaleb is 2. His current conserns are tractors, watching Cars and when I'll let him eat his next round of cheeto puffs. He asked about his daddy during week one, but seems to have adjusted since then. He has not forgotten about daddy, kids just adjust better. They have so many other things to keep them busy. He saw a man at the pool the other day who resembled Charles and Kaleb called for him. Of course the man didn't turn around. I was heartbroken. Heart-broken. Kaleb's face was so like, hey, mom, that's daddy over there but he isn't turning around, why doesn't he turn around?? I'm not sure if that sentence accurately descibes a facial expression but none the less, at first he was excited when he thought it was daddy and then confused when I told him that it wasn't. He got over that moment MUCH quicker than I. I'm pretty sure he's already forgotten that day. He's 2, that's how they work. I worry about when he starts school and there's all kinds of daddy/son things to do and he realizes his situation is different. That's when my heart will break for him. And I realize at that point, people will have stopped asking how we are doing and I might just be going through some of the hardest times. I look at my son right now, running around this hotel room, and I thank God he isn't any older than two and doesn't have to understand any of this. We are blessed in that part of it.
How am I doing? I'm here, still blogging. Life hasn't stopped. Obviously I have a child to still function for. The tricky part is, I can't just function, I need to be better than that, I need to teach, snuggle, kiss, disipline, play, learn and most of all love. I usually try my best to hold myself together until he goes to bed and after he's asleep, I have my pity party if that's what's on the nighttime menu. Some nights I can actually just workout on my elliptical and go to bed, with no meltdowns. Are there tears? Every night. But are there adult meltdowns? Not every day. There are absolutely days that I want to stay in bed and just breath. I want breathing to be the only thing on my agenda. There are days that I need for simply breathing, to be enough. I know that won't help anything though. What good will that do? Even if I were to arrange for it, where would it get me? Nowhere. I would just lay there, breathing and crying.
I am smart enough to know when things are too much, though. I went back to work for 2 weeks and it was too much. It was too quiet in my office, it was too much "normal routine" when I lost what normal used to be. It was too many people asking me questions but then it was too many people ignoring what I had been through. I can't blame anyone though because I didn't know how I wanted folks to react. When they mentioned it, I got upset, when they dismissed it, I got pissed. It was a loose/loose for everyone. I took more time off.
Things were suffocating me at home, too. Living in a small town, you can't go anywhere without people looking at you, giving you that look like, poor girl. Friends and family, God love them, (for real, I would literally be in a padded room without them) but they didn't want me to be alone and I desperately needed to be alone. Alone with my son. It might sound weird but we have a new relationship to build. We have a new connection to make. It's just he and I and that means it's going to be different than it was before. I don't know what that entails, I just know we need to find it and we are on our way, which is why we came to the beach.
We'll be here a few more days, soaking up the sun and eating the sand. For reals, it's every.where.
So, are we okay? Yeah, I suppose on some levels, we really are. We are strong, we have tons and tons of people who love us and most importantly, we have eachother. We have plenty of reasons to be okay a little more each day.
I'll sound like a broken record here but the prayers are just amazing and I know they help so so much. We wouldn't be this "okay" without them.