It's been heavy on my heart lately to write a post about our getting into a "new normal" but I have no idea where to go from here, as far as writing it. Bare with me, as this very well could be a post of rambling and not making any since at all.
How does one go about finding a new normal? Do you change things and routines in order to establish a new normal or do you just let life happen? Or both?
As far as Kaleb goes, his routine is pretty much staying the same. He's still been going to Ms. Becky's the same days he normally would. He's still eating only pizza or lasagna for lunch, by his request. He's still taking normal naps. He isn't aware of this whole "new normal" thing yet. He's only two and I thank God for that every day. No really, I do. Biggest blessing right now...he won't remember mommy trying to create a new normal through her tears and sleepless nights.
Speaking of sleepless nights, is this just part of my new normal? Is it going to be normal for me not to fall asleep until 1 and 2 a.m. when I used to be IN bed by 9p.m., no questions asked? Will my body eventually adjust and just need less sleep? Will Kaleb start sleeping through the night and stop having bad dreams? How long will I have to continue to rock him back to sleep? Most nights I think it's just easier to stay awake until he wakes around midnight, go hold him or rock him, and then try to go to sleep myself. Is this our new normal?
What will our new normal be like when I go back to work? Our old normal was for daddy to pick Kaleb up from Ms. Becky's and then I'd meet them at home. The new schedule will be much tighter. I don't have a clue what the new schedule will be like until I make myself jump back into it.
Jumping back into things is hard because I know none of it will ever be the same. I used to be a creature of habit and this all goes against that.
I'm a single mom now and that will be my new normal. I will make each day the best day it can be. I will live for Kaleb first and then make sure I'm taking care of myself, as well. I want to be the best mom I can be for that perfect little boy and whatever that takes, I'll do.
If our new normal requires naps on my lunch break because I'm not sleeping at night, then that's what I'll do. If it requires getting a happy meal instead of trying to find time to cook, then that's what it'll be. If it means having a momma/son dance party in our living room so he doesn't see mommas tears, then damnit, we'll dance the night away. And if it means finding a babysitter for a wine-drinking night with the girls in order to keep my sanity, then babysitters and wine, it shall be. Just not together, of course.
I'll be really honest with you, earlier today, I wasn't feeling very optimistic about this whole "let's find a new normal and be strong for your son" thing. I had more of a, "fuck this "new normal" shit and let's sit outside while he naps and cry so loud your neighbors start coming out of their house to see what the hell is making that noise" kinda outlook. Thankfully, after a couple hours of that bullshit, I was invited to eat Mexican food and all was right in my world again. Queso tends to heal all wounds.
But in all seriousness, I feel re powered and very optimistic after crying my eyes out and after writing this post. I'm sorry if you feel as though you just wasted your time reading it because it made zero since...it makes since to me and that's why I write. I write because it's not good to hold your feelings in and also, it's the only place I can make a random ass list every Tuesday and people actually wanna read it. I heart lists.
No fear my Tuesday 10 readers, my new normal still includes your list of 10 things. Be looking for it tomorrow!
Thanks for lending an ear, a weight has been lifted and now, we sleep. Probably. Maybe. Hopefully.