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Vacation Post: Part 2

August 16, 2011

So as promised, here is the second part of the vacation post.  The only thing I won't be able to post is pictures b/c I currently do not have a working laptop where all my photos are.

There were a lot of times on our vacation that K and I were able to spend together, just he and I, sitting outside, sitting in the bathtub, taking walks...anyway my point being a lot of time to think.  I started thinking about having to go back to work.  It was the first time I let myself really realize its almost time...for real.  I started to cry and hold my little one tighter.  I so do not want to let him go, he seems too little to go to daycare.  I know he will be OK, Miss Becky is great and he will have his older cousin Caden there to watch out for him. As I was sitting there getting anxious and afraid to let my little one go, I couldn't help but think of Andrea and Rylynn.  Andrea is sitting with her baby hour after hour, day by day.  She CAN'T leave her b/c Ry is ill and needs her mommy at all times, therefore Andrea can't work.  I suddenly felt pretty selfish crying about not being able to sit at home with my baby boy.  I am thankful that K is is healthy and I am able to go back to my job.  Bless all those very strong moms who sit by their childrens hospital bed, day by day.

My other big observation was a happy one.  When we were at the water park I found myself observing all the little boys and smiling.  A year ago I would have been watching all the little girls and wishing for my first born to be a girl.  Kaleb changed my heart.  I wanted a girl SO bad and I would have bet money that I was having a girl.  For the first 25 weeks both Charles and I just knew we were having a girl.  We thought we felt it in our hearts.  When the doc told us it was a boy, my heart sank.  Regrettably I was so disappointed.  The only way I can explain it (and it might not make sense to you) is, when they said it was a boy, it was like I lost the girl I thought I was carrying. I had already began to love this "girl" that I thought I had in me.  When K showed he was a boy, I had to get used to the thought and it was like I had to learn to love a different baby.  Crazy, I know.  I'm weird like that.  So back to the water park, there I was, watching every single little boy and thinking they were sooo cute! I can't even describe how much I love Kaleb and how GLAD I am he is a boy!! I totally regret having those feelings of sadness and disappointment but I have since apologized many many times to my sweet little man.  I hope K is equally glad that I am his mommy!

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