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Putting my dreams down on 'paper'

March 25, 2011

There were several other things I was going to blog about but this resurfaced for me late yesterday afternoon and hit pretty hard this time.  I guess my hope is, if I write about it, somehow it will help.

 

To say that I want to be a stay at home mom would be an understatement.  I have this greater than life, almost overwhelming, desire to stay at home and take care of my family.  I’m not sure exactly how long I have felt this way but I know it’s been at least since college.  I guess, in my head there was never any question about it.  I always just knew that was the way it would be.  I want to be “that” mom and wife.  To me, that means, the mom who bakes things for the kids to take to school, the homeroom mom, the mom who has time to read before every nap, the mom who personally makes every birthday cake, the mom who videos all the first crawls, walks and talks, the wife who keeps up with laundry and always has supper made, the mom who is available to take the kids to the pool during the summer, but most of all, the mom who is considered super mom and the my mom can do anything, mom.  You are probably thinking, this mom doesn’t really exist and no one person can do everything but in the eyes of your children, that person does exist.  My fear is, it won’t happen if I’m working an 8 to 5 job.

I have spent a lot of time thinking and crying about this.  I KNOW this would be the hardest job I could ever have.  It would be more than 8-5, it would be 24/7.  I’m prepared for that.  It’s my dream job.  If I could have gone to college for it, I would have.  If it was a paying job with medical insurance, sign me up!! I don’t know how else to describe it other than knowing this is what I was meant to do.  Some people are meant to be doctors or teachers or veterinarians, I believe I was meant to stay at home.  A lot of people (women) say, once you become a stay at home mom, you lose your identity.  A lot of them feel like they lose who they really are and feel like a rundown mom and wife all the time.  I might eat my words in a few years but I’d love to be given the chance to see because I believe that IS my identity.  There are times where I feel like I’m losing who I REALLY am by sitting at this desk 5 days a week.  The people who I work with don’t know the real me, they don’t know my dreams and desires.  It makes me sad I haven’t found a place of work where I can be passionate about what I do.  I see a lot of people who absolutely LOVE what they do and I actually think those people are better at managing their time because they are happy at work and at home.  I’m not saying it can’t be done and I’m certainly not saying I’m the only one who dislikes what they do and would rather be doing something else.  I know a lot of moms who are able to work and still handle the load of mom, wife, housekeeper and cook….and they do a great job at it!  I just don’t see myself excelling at it the way some can.  I guess when it comes down to it, most women can do it if they have to.  I’m having SUCH hard time wrapping my mind around it though.  I feel like I would fail at everything and nothing would get 100% of me and that’s not OK with me.  I can deal with work not getting my 100% but unfortunately that’s where I would be spending the majority of my day.  It literally gives me an achy heart to think about not being able to be there 100% for my kids and husband.  How will I ever be able to balance everything in the few hours we get together in the evenings? 

For anyone reading this, I’m not looking for pep talk with the, “you can do it, it will work, you’ll be fine, you’ll find the time to make everyone happy”.  I already got a similar talk from my mother except hers wasn’t as ‘peppy’.  It was more like, “Samantha, just be glad you have a job.  There are so many people without jobs right now who are losing their homes….ect ect.”  So yes, I am glad that Charles and I both have jobs and a home but how happy can we really be when neither of us are doing something we actually like for very little money?  This is so selfish of me, isn’t it?  Would more money make a difference?  If one of us were making enough to where we could enjoy more “things” would we be happier?  I honestly don’t know the answer to that.  There are times I think it would help.  Charles could afford a deer lease and have an escape when he needed one or we could afford to take trips with our kiddos in order to spend more time with them.  All these things sound great but when Monday rolls around, we are back where we started, going to a job that we tolerate.

 

So what is a person supposed to do about this?  You have 1 spouse with has a college degree who’s dream job is to stay at home and be “that” mom and then the other spouse who doesn’t have a degree but is willing to do just about anything outside, if only it paid a bit more.

 

My heart is sad for Poppy today. :(

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